New baby

No... I'm not going to have another baby. My hubby and I have talked about how we are very happy with our 3 boys. I was just reminiscing about when we brought our second son home from the hospital. It was something I'll always cherish, and for some different reasons than expected.

I remember when I thought I might be pregnant. Our oldest was a couple of years old and I told my husband that I wanted him to have a sibling. It was important to me that he had someone to grow up with; to play with; but most important, to be there for when he is older. Alas, it took a lot longer than I thought it would for us to get pregnant again, but once we did I was over the moon with excitement.

As we prepared for the baby, my hubby and I confessed  to each other that we were nervous. Excited, yes, but also nervous because we didn't know what to expect. We only had one child for two years and that's all we knew. I was nervous that our oldest would take his aggression out on the baby. I knew that he wouldn't understand that babies need the extra attention and I was afraid that he would begin to hit or do other mean things to the baby. All I could do was hope and pray that everything would be OK. The morning (and I mean 2:30 am morning) came and I felt my water had broken.  We headed to the hospital after calling my dad to come and stay with our oldest. Once we got to the hospital we had a good number of hours to wait before the baby was ready to come. Finally, he made his debut and we couldn't have been happier. Our family had grown and I was excited to bring him home.

When we were all home my nerves kicked in again. I wanted to have such positive energy just so our oldest would feel it and know that the baby was good and that he had someone to play with when he was older. A few days passed and to my surprise he took to the baby really well. He gave him kisses and hugs. There wasn't any animosity toward the baby at all. Now me on the other hand...that's a different story.

I remember sitting on the couch holding the baby and our oldest came over. He gave the baby kisses and I asked him to go do something. He looked at me and yelled out "NO!" I couldn't believe it. He had never done that. This was something I had never even thought about. I never thought he would take his aggression out on me. Just about every time I gave him a direction he would yell "NO!" and began to hit my legs. I was in shock and was beginning to feel hopeless. I was thankful that he loved his brother but heartbroken that he was taking his frustration out on me. How in the world were we going to stop this behavior before it got worse? Then it came to us...

"Mommy & me time". We decided that when I was going to the store our oldest would be the one to go with me. The baby would stay with daddy and it was just him and me. I was praying that this would be the answer to my hopelessness. It was! It was just the thing that we needed. It gave my husband bonding time with the baby, and it gave me and my oldest time to bond again. It was his time and I couldn't have been happier. After a few weeks I felt and saw a change with him. He still loved the baby just as much as he ever did, but now he was giving me the love that I missed.

As I look back it seems like it should have been right there for us to see. But adding another member to our family was life changing. Some of the simplest things aren't always able to be seen right away. I still try to do "Mommy & Me time" when I can. Sometimes he doesn't want to go to the store with me and that's OK. He knows I love him with all my heart and I will always be ready for our "time" when he needs it.

The baby peed on me! That's the sentence my husband heard last night as he came back into our room at 5:00am. He was trying to calm our 23 month old down after waking up from a nice sleep. "Bubba" as we like to call him just wouldn't go back to sleep. My husband gave him some juice, and as I picked him up I noticed he was shaking. I took him to the kitchen, gave him some apples and sat on the kitchen floor with him to have a picnic. Thankfully, after a few minutes, I noticed his shaking had subsided and he seemed much happier.

So as I quietly walked down the hall to put him back to bed he started to kick his legs and start to cry. I couldn't understand what was wrong. He had his juice. He had a snack. He seemed fine. So I put him in his bed and did what any mother who just wanted to get some sleep would do. (No I didn't close the door and go back to bed). I made a quick little bed for myself on the floor next to his bed and laid down. My goal was that he would see me "going to sleep" and he would lay down too.

Did it work? Yes. For about a minute. Then he began crying again, calling for daddy. My husband came in and told me the only thing we could do was to just let him cry.

WHAT? I can't do that. If I did that I'd feel like a horrible mother. But I knew that we had done everything we could at that point (so I thought), so I said good night to Bubba and went back to bed. After a few minutes my husband came back into the room. He said he had changed his diaper and noticed that it was on really tight. So I thought about it. The only thing I hadn't done was change his diaper. What is wrong with me? You would think after 3 kids that would be one of the first things I would do. But no. So who's the worst mother in the world? That's right, yours truly. At least that's how I felt.

As my husband got back into bed I laid there listening for Bubba's cries and there wasn't any. I was beating myself up over something that I should have done and didn't. I could have laid there all night (or what was left of it) and thought about how horrible I was, but I realized I can't do that. I need to learn that, even though I have 3 kids, I am still going to make mistakes. I am not going to have all the answers. The only thing I can do is remember what happened and learn from it. And also ask for help when I need it.

So here I am. Just a mom who wants the best for her children. And to maybe get a full nights sleep. Will it happen? Maybe...Have to go. The baby's crying.